Love is Unconditional, Boundaries Are Not

Some of you know that I was sucked back into a very abusive relationship, by obsessive vows that he had changed and saw the error of all his vicious ways of the past. Well, he threatened my life in another psychotic rage this weekend. He degraded me and said he would kill me and then himself. And I believe this to come to fruition one day. He is highly obsessive-compulsive and once he starts fixating on an idea, a rageful thought, a suspicion... there is NO talking him down from it. I've been through this for years with him. It is utterly draining.

...I thought I was doing everything "right" this time; I did not yell or curse or even try to stop him from leaving or calm him down from his pacing and sadistic rants. I was quiet and asked if he thought his vile name-calling and screaming was an appropriate or respectful response to his feelings of anger. I asked him to quietly and calmly stay still and tell me exactly what it is that bothered him (as it was random rage after a really beautiful evening together) WITHOUT insulting me or threatening me. This made him more incensed.

His anger is not something that can be easily tracked or predicted or understood. I ended up hiding in a closet until he finally left in the middle of the night. I could not move, speak, cry, or ask anyone for help --fear, shame, disbelief, pain... they are great inhibitors.Abusers, specifically narcissistic ones, count on silence and they insure it by threats, intimidation and despicable shame-tactics. He has painted me out to be the instigator, the liar or the source of blame for "all" he has said and done over the years. I believe he needs psychiatric help and serious medication for mood stabilization and I have at least one psychiatric professional whose evaluated him that is in full agreement.

Are you or have you ever been abused? Ask yourself if this sounds familiar:

He habitually deflects the issue of his disproportionate rage and cruel behavior, words or mistreatment of me by bringing up my past traumas as "evidence" that I am the common denominator and therefore "without credibility". He apologizes -and only rarely- but never completely or with full accountability attached; he always leaves a loop hole that either suggests or outright accuses me to be somehow responsible for HIS behavior. He likes to state that since I have had abuse in my past and he has "never been accused" of abuse, it is clear that I am either crazy or vindictive and he has never been anything but "patient" with me. Lies.

Abusers' primary tactic is to make their victims feel responsible, if not "confused" regarding the mistreatment endured. Often, an abuser is not someone others might suspect-- and that is a great advantage to them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvPVSOBKyV0



So, I just want anyone to know, who is reading this, it does not matter what your past is about or how great a guy people think your abuser is-- or even how great a guy he USUALLY IS. What matters is how someone TREATS you. Even if that person has never (yeah right) mistreated anyone else in their life but you-- YOU COUNT. Even if he only degrades a couple times a month or has only hit you a few times over the course of a few years. The issue is not really the severity of the marks left on your body, but, rather, the depth of the damage done to your self esteem, your ability to concentrate, your ability to be treated as an equal and with respect and boundaries in place... When someone diminishes your voice by silencing it or telling you that you are "crazy" for saying your feelings were hurt or your arm was hurt by his aggression or your confidence has been shaken by his constant denials of what happened... That is abuse.

I started recording his behavior on my phone when possible (if I was near my phone and able to do so without him seeing). I have his manic voicemails which go from soft-toned urging that I must be mistaken about his "intentions" to his out and out SCREAMING that I am unlovable--- in the SAME 5 1/2 minute voicemail. I have pictures of what he has done to my face, my ribs, my arms... I have hundreds of text messages where he oscillates from adulation to degradation. Sometimes within minutes of each other. When he is presented with such evidence, which he smugly accuses me of never having, he immediately pivots and tells me, quote "A normal person does not record other people, only someone who is up to no good." Brilliant, eh? He threatens my life, but because I have the clarity of mind to record his 45 minute diatribe against me, I must be the one who is mentally unstable. It is called DEFLECTION.

When you are made to feel like someone might hurt you (emotionally or physically) at any given moment, that is abuse. When you start asking yourself how you can accommodate his mood swings to the point where you are a walking wreck trying to dodge stray bullets of verbal attack, you are being abused. When you are stonewalled (aka "the silent treatment" or being shut out from communication or affection in your relationship) because you stand up for yourself, that is abuse. People think abuse means a woman covered in bruises on welfare. The worst abuse is being systematically convinced you are the cause for ANY mistreatment. Anger is a normal, healthy emotion-- everyone feels it from time to time. Everyone. Rage is the inability to control your behavior or to see any other side of things. I grappled with my own rage for years as a result of traumatic experiences. I addressed it by taking responsibility for my actions, not excusing them. I started taking zoloft. I have no shame in it and plan to be on it for my lifetime. It has helped quiet the emotional noise while coping with painful experiences. And it has a very obvious, POSITIVE effect on me. My abuser likes to use this as ammunition to attack my sanity or "credibility". Case and point of deflection. Guess what: I'm here to tell you, it does not matter if you are a judge or a prostitute, NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO ABUSE YOU. It does not matter if you are a nun or a heroin addict, NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO ABUSE YOU. It does not matter if you are an ex con or an art student, NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO ABUSE YOU. This means, degrade, devalue, dismiss or undermine your need for respect or your feelings about being disrespected.

You can disagree with someone without fighting them. You can have an argument without name calling. You can be upset and still control how you react to your feelings. But to threaten or intimidate or stonewall or humiliate or degrade someone else is an act of abuse, period. You can abuse someone in a whisper or a scream. Abuse is categorized by the intent and severity and pattern of maltreatment of another person. Everyone loses they temper and says things they shouldn't say. The difference is how you resolve it: by acknowledging you were wrong in doing so -WITHOUT DISCLAIMER- and vowing to never repeat it by taking actual steps towards changing your approach to communicating is the healthy, non-abusive tactic. Flying off the handle continuously and blaming others is not acceptable. Or mature.

I have done abusive things. I have said things and behaved violently in the past myself. I openly admit this as I have years ago CHANGED this behavior forever and understand the repercussions such behavior has on others and, ultimately, me as well. I am ashamed that I behaved that way, ever once, let alone several times in my past. I'm not here to state I am an angel or without vices. I am here to say, no one is perfect, but there is a bold line between abuse and discord between two people. Abuse results in long term damage to the psyche and never has a resolution without the abuser's courage to address and admit FULL culpability. No one makes you hit them. No one makes you say cruel things. No one makes you lie. No one makes you cheat. We are each, individuals responsible for our own words and behaviors and if there is a chemical imbalance that causes one to lack control or cognizance of their actions, it is STILL up to that person to CONSIDER such a thing and seek treatment immediately. If a schizophrenic can take medication responsibly, anyone can. Narcissists' main obstacle is their innate inability to recognize ANYTHING is wrong with THEIR BEHAVIOR.

If someone you love that loves you is telling you that you are repeatedly battering their emotional existence, it is worth the investigation into real, psychological help. That does not mean remaining defiant that the victim somehow shares blame. Take responsibility for yourself REGARDLESS of the other person and you will often find, therein lies the solution to wiping out the conflict at hand. Abuse is not something to be be dealt with in couple's therapy, I learned, because that implies shared responsibility. The point of couples' therapy is to address the future by endeavoring better communication in the present. It's impossible to communicate with someone who abuses you if you allow him to convince you that you are at all to blame. Abusers would like to think that if only their spouse/partner didn't do "----" than they would not be tempted to do "---". No. The minute you DECIDE to cross the line by degrading and threatening and hurting someone, you are responsible. Nothing else matters.

Can you truly love someone that hurts you so deeply? I think so. I think the existence of compassion is the proof of unconditional love. But there needs to be conditions with boundaries, not love. Boundaries include never permitting anyone to convince you that you do not deserve respect or physical or emotional safety. It is your RIGHT to feel safe and respected. Abusers are not shadowy figures that creep out from nightmares. Sometimes, they are gentle-faced, gregarious, intelligent and family-oriented people. If I had a dollar for every person that ever said to me "Really? He did that? But he looks so normal", I would have almost 70 bucks. ;D Abuse is insidious by nature. And I can personally assure you that loving a man who rapidly swings back and forth from the polarity of adoration to dehumanization in terms of his belief system of me, has been the most lonely, nerve-wrecking and soul-crushing experience of my entire life. Do I still have a glimmer of hope that he can be treated? Of course. I would be a liar if I said no. Do I think that he will ever fully admit to himself, or his family and friends and co-workers what he has actually done to me (and his ex wife)? No. He has told me he thinks as long as he admits it to me, it should be enough.

But that is the abuser's way. They retract their vows and deny their abuse so nothing they say or do has any real currency until they step forward to acknowledge the truth. You carry their secrets like a heavy vault dumped into the bottom of the ocean. People will side with his snide jeers and off-hand comments about his crazy-ex and you, weighted down with the memories and the shame and the scars of his words, actions and hands, are violated again and again and again in that way.

And while family members and even my abuser like to think my openness about this subject is inappropriate; I respectfully disagree. I'm not crazy. I'm not vindictive. I'm not looking for attention or sympathy. I am reclaiming my voice and my empowerment of self-sufficiency and esteem. I wanted very much to believe things could work out with him this time, but I always secretly knew he is incapable of change-- at least without psychiatric assistance. I do not love him any less, strangely. And I do not even regret going back to him because I do love him so much and did have such incredible happiness with him before the attacks crept back. I guess I am just choosing to show him I deserve better instead of telling him this. The best way to do this is to treat myself with the respect he has failed to give me, and get away from his abusive cycle. It is not as easy as you might think. Our need to believe the best in others can be a very dangerous quality when it starts to impair your judgment. He deserves love, like anyone else. And I don't think I will ever turn my back on him. Ever. And I will always hold out hope that he recognizes the issue lies inside him and only he can unlock the door to change and genuine happiness. I still think maybe if he gets medicated things could improve. But it's a long shot. And the fear I have of him is real and protective... unfortunately, it may never go away though. He hurt me, but I am still here. So far. He has threatened to kill me once again, but I am taking steps towards safety.

Thanks for reading this; feel free to share it with anyone you think it might help.

Again, please read this link by Divine Caroline. It is very informative.

The Perspective on True Love from a Labeled "Drama Queen"

Stormy love affairs are often the subject of soap operas and epic sagas in literature.  Hollywood makes more money off of the "personal lives" of their elite stars than they do from the films the stars appear in
--the Western world at large, devours the scandals and seductions of interchangeable celebrities and pop-stars du jour.  The internet is flooded with gossip sites and forums that allow 12 year old girls to idealize the shapes and pretentious schticks of glorified "popular girls" like the Kardashians and 27 year old guys to ogle and judge the relative hotness of such televised sensations with the deluded belief their lives emulate that of reality shows that have nothing to do with reality.

But when your legal assistant is often running to the bathroom in tears or seen with her on-again-off-again beau who allegedly swats her in and out of his life like a spastic ping pong ball, people will instantly say "so much 'drama' with those two".  The dismissive and judgmental phrase implies the emotions and happenings between the said couple are somehow less serious than what one might feel about his or her own life issues.  There are people who are adept in avoiding drama at all cost.  And yet, I'd be willing to bet, those people are the cause of much heartache to someone else who just wants to be close to them but doesn't get the chance.  Drama is not TNT, it is life.

I am a person who takes offense at the liberal use and misuse of the word "dramatic".  Being animated is not necessarily being dramatic.  As someone who "gets noticed" even when I am just fixing a bobby pin in my unwashed hair at the neighborhood deli, I find the attention upon me is often construed with accusations of causing my own drama.  It has troubled me in recent years and made me acutely aware of watchful eyes and disingenuous people.  I have been accused of drama in my most vulnerable moments and my most unmemorable interactions of good intention.  I have learned that being called dramatic can easily be a stigma placed on people who are demonstrative and emotionally open.  Somehow, people who are openly sensitive or perceptively interested in the feelings and reasoning of others, are at more "risk" for being labeled a drama queen or overly-emotional or too-sensitive.  And yet, people who are quick to detach from situations are seen as measured and rational.  The ideas contradict the nature of humanity, which, essentially, is not JUST the survival of the fittest but also the ability to be empathic and, yes, vulnerable.

There are those who think love is something that should come easily and calmly.  I always wanted that kind of an experience.  While finding love has never been especially difficult for me, making it last has always come with a lot of conditions, which, in the end, doesn't feel like love, it feels like... pain.  And this is where I hear "You have so much drama! Don't you want a relationship that is just easy?".  Anyone would.  But how many real relationships are actually easy?  I know many people who have barely uttered a harsh word to the other, but live a quiet, static and joyless existence.  I know couples that do everything together and are the "perfect match", but one if not both often complains regularly to their buddies that they are tired of keeping up appearances.  I know couples that adore each other but suffer in private with tense evenings and sorrowful mornings as they struggle to conceive a child.  --I know marriages that have ended because of it.  I know couples that have lost a child and never found themselves again, and live very catatonic lives behind closed doors.  Do people call their lives "dramatic"?  Hell no.  But when a somewhat glamorous woman and a debonaire older man genuinely love each other -passionately and openly- and argue with the same fervor, people are salivating to judge them as dramatic or... unserious.   And popular opinion leaks into the background of each person's rational; somewhere along the way, removed family members or nosey acquaintances can provoke a doubt in each person, and that doubt becomes the premise of altered behavior, unfounded assumptions, and tainted perspectives that inflate any issue at hand.  And these are everyday people who are not on television or in tabloids.  So imagine the celebrities who finagle their lives around the roar of the crowd that makes or breaks their People's Choice Award nominations.

Love is hard.  Being in love is wonderful; staying in love takes patience, understanding, empathy and thoughtfulness.  This goes for two farmers in rural Iowa that have been married 48 years, and the 48 year old business moguls on Wall Street, as well as the broke 23 year old actors that are living with their in-laws for the first 2 years of marriage.  And it goes for the jazz singer and high powered attorney that have brought out the absolute best and the absolute worst in each other.  Some believe that a happy median is always the answer.  When a person is wired to feel things strongly and unabashedly, that person is unlikely to find content with another person who does not experience things in that manner.  The dynamics of passion and chemistry are intertwined with psychology and character, yes, but the tumult to thrive inside the center of levity, versus the danger to allow the tumult to dictate the outcome of peace becomes the rumbling question.  I'm no stranger to dysfunction, and I have, for years, questioned my own sanity in the midst of love's chaos, and I have discovered my proclivity for loving difficult or unconventional or even "damaged" people... But who isn't damaged who has ever ventured to love unconditionally?  I know a loving couple that have thrived together for years-- the husband is severely schizophrenic and she is years younger than he is.  My godmother's son has Compulsive Obsessive Personality Disorder and has been medicated since early childhood.  Over the years, he has resisted medication at times or claimed he no longer needed it, but the proof is in the way he affects those who love him most when he is not medicated.  His relationships returned to a volatile state, he withdraws socially or fixates on unhealthy situations... He is now in his late twenties and in a healthy, loving, sweet relationship and realizes he can never go off this medication if he wants the benefits of this love as his personality is too painful to be around without such medical and therapeutic assistance.  He is a great man, soon to be a surgeon.  The bravery of choosing to acknowledge his need for help has salvaged his future in every single way.  The stormy patterns of love can often be traced to the imbalance of communication, empathy and outside support.

Napoleon's great love, the Parisian Josephine de Beauharnis, an older woman than he, was someone he lustfully pursued for significant time-- she resisted him from the beginning, with doubts of his sincerity and little attraction to him initially.  She was talked into marrying him, ironically, by her then-husband who was in love with another woman and wanted a divorce (who later was beheaded and Josephine, being his wife, almost joined him, but I digress).  To Napoleon's oblivion, she was flagrantly unfaithful throughout his time in Italy during the onset of the war in 1796; it was only when he decided to have affairs, that Josephine fell madly in love with him. (Drama, anyone?)... When he divorced her and married a younger woman around 1810, Josephine was crushed.  Through a string of defeats in battle, Napoleon was exiled to Elba Island about four years later and his wife and son left him.  It is said that Josephine did everything she could to get to Napoleon to join him on Elba Island, but ended up dying in her endeavor "of a broken heart"-- ACCORDING TO HER DOCTOR!   Napoleon escaped to Paris, where he picked violets from Josephine's garden and wore them in a locket until he died. Yes, he had syphilis, and was said to go crazy from it, but, whatever... he mourned the loss of Josephine until his death.  Stick with me, people! I'm just saying, Napoleon's "complex" might have gone beyond his short-height, ya know?!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMKy3Caci80


I reiterate.  Love is hard.  And while I have heard many times in my (ahem) young life, that "It shouldn't be this hard; you are settling for something beneath you- for what?!", I also recognize that it is in my nature to not settle for what is easiest.  People have accused me of settling for men that do not "deserve" me.  I think, in contrast to this perspective, no one knows more than I do, what it means to love without expectation, and in my tribulations as a "female jazz artist", and my determination to blaze my own trail (however overlooked it may be in the presence of majestic gardens of accomplishment I strive to live up to), I DO know that nothing great, in my life, at least, has ever come all that easily.  It's noteworthy to mention my resentment of this very fact has ignited bouts of (misplaced?) rage, depression and self-pity.  And let's face it, living out loud does not make for a docile spouse.  Sometimes I feel shame for not being a more malleable personality and then I overcompensate in exactly the wrong areas of life, such as letting acquaintances take full advantage of this very obvious insecurity.  But generally, my passion to live fully and love passionately trumps my wish for respite from this trying journey.  And to many, I suppose, that actually crystalizes my image as a person wrapped up in drama.  But to me, that thought reduces the deeper issue: I want to love and be loved --passionately, loudly, unapologetically and selflessly to the last breath.  And the cognizant romanticism I engulf my existence in does a lot to let me down when faced with words like "pre-nuptual agreement" and "estimated life-value" (in life insurance policies).  So... I am caught like the moon at dawn between the world of cynicism and the heart of optimism.  Where I have surrendered my dignity I have mightily defended the vow of love; I do not want to be Napoleon, carrying violets for a love that was
-too late realized- worth the inconvenience of imperfect situations.