"Beauty": The Eye (and Envy) of The Beholder?

Professional women labeled the "B Word"(beautiful) struggle to be recognized for their ability beyond their physical allure

"She's such a good-hearted child" Sister Jacqueline of St. Mary's Grade School said to my young, devout-Catholic-Irish mother when I was all but 8 years old; "it's shocking how sweet she is-- you wouldn't think so to look at her", she finished as my mother felt the unintentional blow like a kick in the teeth.  Mom explained to me, some years later, that it took her a minute to realize the porcupine edge to the very masculinely unattractive Principle-Nun's "compliment" was her ineloquent way of stating she found me, at 8 years old, to be both pretty and nice, essentially… And, somehow, that was shocking… to a grown woman in her 60's… who taught Christianity as a life-profession.  Given her shock, with similar statements about my non-evil heart which resurfaced for years to come, Sister Jacqueline generally believed, apparently, that all sweet-hearted children were homely or all pretty little girls were assholes?  But I digress. 

When a former high-school friend (and political windbag) trekked from Los Angeles to Chicago to visit me and produce a music video for me in October of 2008, the air percolated with the new-energy Barack Obama was pouring into the Presidential race.  Adam (the arrogant windbag) and I were having lunch on his first day in town.  I mentioned something about my concern for Obama's ability with international relations versus Clinton's and Adam gave me this cartoonish phony as can be smile with the ever-patronizing retort "Awww, Erin, you are so cute-- pretending you know about politics and shit".  To which I almost stabbed his nearby hand resting on the restaurant table with my salad fork.  When I directly asked him what in the HELL would make him think I DON'T know about politics, or world affairs for that matter, he was surprised and apologetic (but, tellingly, not humiliated at his own display of pompousness), we began an in-depth political conversation.  Much like my worldly, historically savvy and liberal Iranian friend who asked me "How in the world do you know so much about world events?"… Or the club owner in Chicago who spent 16 years dismissing me as "a broad with great pins that looks too good to be a real jazz singer".  Or the octogenarian record label owner, just yesterday, who got on the phone with me by opening a conversation, not with "So who have you worked with?" but instead, "Listen, honey, let me tell you how the world works.  Real jazz artists…" and he went on to tell me all about the business I have been in for almost half of my existence.  (Real Jazz Artists?!?!  Meaning men, of course.)  

People who read my poems, hear my music, friends that seek my advice or read these blogs that I write… People who understand me to be articulate, educated, travelled, culturally enmeshed with friends and constituents from all over the world, intelligent and intuitive... somehow,  these same observers, still, find it necessary to remind me that I do not "look" like I would be "this smart" or "this nice of a person" or "so well read" or "so well written" or "such a serious artist" or "so good with kids".  

What. The. Hell.  

Yesterday, a globally recognized jazz legend and newer friend of mine whom I will be recording with this year, called to tell me he encountered some negative comments about me from musicians he knew.  When I asked in regards to what exactly, he explained a couple people told him they viewed me as more of a showgirl than a true jazz artist.  I asked if these people whom he kept nameless were people I knew and worked with and he said no- just people that "heard" about me.  He went on to tell me that one of them said I was a very provocative dresser.  Provocative, eh?

 Provocative compared to whom, exactly?

Mother Teresa? Martha Stewart? Jennifer Lopez? Diana Krall? Josephine Baker?  (I decided to research what other singers wore in their photo shoots-- singers of all ages and genres, from jazz to opera, from the swing era until now…)

And I looked at some of my photo shoots versus what I actually wear when I sing…

But does it REALLY matter?!  Does anyone ever bother to bring up what a photo-whore Kurt Elling is?

I mean are his images acceptable because he does not have breasts?  (Is he really wearing an ascot?)  Is his talent questioned by his peers because he loves getting his picture taken??? Doesn't seem to come up in conversation when a new bass player or pianist is called to do a gig with him.

So the fact that I have recorded four albums of my own, written songs for films that won awards (two), sing in renowned venues everywhere, collaborated with some of the most revered jazz artists alive today and push myself to learn Charlie Parker solos, Cannonball Adderly solos and write lyrics to Bud Powell tunes while other "jazz singers" who dress dowdily or unfashionably or who have poor physiques, unattractive faces etc… They can be taken seriously because they don't hold the same penchant for style that I do?  Trust me, there are plenty of talented and better looking singers out there than I and I know several singers who know how to rock high heels and a sexy look without losing an ounce of dignity or class.  I always thought I was one of them.  But I guess I stand out as "provocative" in my style.  Hmmmm… What I wouldn't give to find out who the saint is that deems me so shallow… based on my looks...

If I allowed myself the time to recall every presumptuous condescension, based merely on my looks and casually tossed my way since girlhood, I would probably be an unproductive, angry and isolated adult.  Err uh… Wait.  Anyway…

"The anatomy that brought her daughter a constant stream of awkward and unwanted attention, judgments and exclusions from things she wanted most as life would turn out…" 

My mother often whispered to me "Your beauty is your curse" to which I would say rolling eyes and all, "MOM, just because YOU think your daughter is beautiful doesn't mean I actually am!".  She found it to be a double edged sword for her daughter who grew to be a talented ballet dancer… with large breasts that would propel her into half a lifetime of eating disorders, trying to "cure" or change the condition of her natural anatomy.  The anatomy that brought her daughter a constant stream of awkward and unwanted attention, judgments and exclusions from things she wanted most as life would turn out… The body that endured sexual battery and rape before reaching her twenties… The body that was mocked by other ballet dancers, operated on by endometrial specialists for a debilitating incurable disease… The body that was too short and "round" for serious modeling, not tall enough to be a Broadway singer-dancer or a Rockett, and too slight for an opera singer (before the trend for opera singers to slim down came about).  The body that got noticed first --before or instead of the sometimes lonely or sad eyes weary of misperceptions and the body that took precedence over the remarkably mature singing voice and was reduced to playing sex pot roles in school musicals instead of leading lady roles.  The body that endured and survives over 15 operations, a pituitary tumor and a blood clot disease and a very serious car accident in 2006 that caused all kinds of physical problems.  The body that has been hit, kicked and physically thrown around by men who claimed to love the person inside that body… The body that lost three pregnancies after a decade of being told pregnancy was not an option in the first place.  The body that undergoes excruciating biopsies only to appear on stage 24 hours later in one of those "provocative" Banana Republic dresses in a corner stage of some jazz cafe.

    

Love is Unconditional, Boundaries Are Not

Some of you know that I was sucked back into a very abusive relationship, by obsessive vows that he had changed and saw the error of all his vicious ways of the past. Well, he threatened my life in another psychotic rage this weekend. He degraded me and said he would kill me and then himself. And I believe this to come to fruition one day. He is highly obsessive-compulsive and once he starts fixating on an idea, a rageful thought, a suspicion... there is NO talking him down from it. I've been through this for years with him. It is utterly draining.

...I thought I was doing everything "right" this time; I did not yell or curse or even try to stop him from leaving or calm him down from his pacing and sadistic rants. I was quiet and asked if he thought his vile name-calling and screaming was an appropriate or respectful response to his feelings of anger. I asked him to quietly and calmly stay still and tell me exactly what it is that bothered him (as it was random rage after a really beautiful evening together) WITHOUT insulting me or threatening me. This made him more incensed.

His anger is not something that can be easily tracked or predicted or understood. I ended up hiding in a closet until he finally left in the middle of the night. I could not move, speak, cry, or ask anyone for help --fear, shame, disbelief, pain... they are great inhibitors.Abusers, specifically narcissistic ones, count on silence and they insure it by threats, intimidation and despicable shame-tactics. He has painted me out to be the instigator, the liar or the source of blame for "all" he has said and done over the years. I believe he needs psychiatric help and serious medication for mood stabilization and I have at least one psychiatric professional whose evaluated him that is in full agreement.

Are you or have you ever been abused? Ask yourself if this sounds familiar:

He habitually deflects the issue of his disproportionate rage and cruel behavior, words or mistreatment of me by bringing up my past traumas as "evidence" that I am the common denominator and therefore "without credibility". He apologizes -and only rarely- but never completely or with full accountability attached; he always leaves a loop hole that either suggests or outright accuses me to be somehow responsible for HIS behavior. He likes to state that since I have had abuse in my past and he has "never been accused" of abuse, it is clear that I am either crazy or vindictive and he has never been anything but "patient" with me. Lies.

Abusers' primary tactic is to make their victims feel responsible, if not "confused" regarding the mistreatment endured. Often, an abuser is not someone others might suspect-- and that is a great advantage to them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvPVSOBKyV0



So, I just want anyone to know, who is reading this, it does not matter what your past is about or how great a guy people think your abuser is-- or even how great a guy he USUALLY IS. What matters is how someone TREATS you. Even if that person has never (yeah right) mistreated anyone else in their life but you-- YOU COUNT. Even if he only degrades a couple times a month or has only hit you a few times over the course of a few years. The issue is not really the severity of the marks left on your body, but, rather, the depth of the damage done to your self esteem, your ability to concentrate, your ability to be treated as an equal and with respect and boundaries in place... When someone diminishes your voice by silencing it or telling you that you are "crazy" for saying your feelings were hurt or your arm was hurt by his aggression or your confidence has been shaken by his constant denials of what happened... That is abuse.

I started recording his behavior on my phone when possible (if I was near my phone and able to do so without him seeing). I have his manic voicemails which go from soft-toned urging that I must be mistaken about his "intentions" to his out and out SCREAMING that I am unlovable--- in the SAME 5 1/2 minute voicemail. I have pictures of what he has done to my face, my ribs, my arms... I have hundreds of text messages where he oscillates from adulation to degradation. Sometimes within minutes of each other. When he is presented with such evidence, which he smugly accuses me of never having, he immediately pivots and tells me, quote "A normal person does not record other people, only someone who is up to no good." Brilliant, eh? He threatens my life, but because I have the clarity of mind to record his 45 minute diatribe against me, I must be the one who is mentally unstable. It is called DEFLECTION.

When you are made to feel like someone might hurt you (emotionally or physically) at any given moment, that is abuse. When you start asking yourself how you can accommodate his mood swings to the point where you are a walking wreck trying to dodge stray bullets of verbal attack, you are being abused. When you are stonewalled (aka "the silent treatment" or being shut out from communication or affection in your relationship) because you stand up for yourself, that is abuse. People think abuse means a woman covered in bruises on welfare. The worst abuse is being systematically convinced you are the cause for ANY mistreatment. Anger is a normal, healthy emotion-- everyone feels it from time to time. Everyone. Rage is the inability to control your behavior or to see any other side of things. I grappled with my own rage for years as a result of traumatic experiences. I addressed it by taking responsibility for my actions, not excusing them. I started taking zoloft. I have no shame in it and plan to be on it for my lifetime. It has helped quiet the emotional noise while coping with painful experiences. And it has a very obvious, POSITIVE effect on me. My abuser likes to use this as ammunition to attack my sanity or "credibility". Case and point of deflection. Guess what: I'm here to tell you, it does not matter if you are a judge or a prostitute, NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO ABUSE YOU. It does not matter if you are a nun or a heroin addict, NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO ABUSE YOU. It does not matter if you are an ex con or an art student, NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO ABUSE YOU. This means, degrade, devalue, dismiss or undermine your need for respect or your feelings about being disrespected.

You can disagree with someone without fighting them. You can have an argument without name calling. You can be upset and still control how you react to your feelings. But to threaten or intimidate or stonewall or humiliate or degrade someone else is an act of abuse, period. You can abuse someone in a whisper or a scream. Abuse is categorized by the intent and severity and pattern of maltreatment of another person. Everyone loses they temper and says things they shouldn't say. The difference is how you resolve it: by acknowledging you were wrong in doing so -WITHOUT DISCLAIMER- and vowing to never repeat it by taking actual steps towards changing your approach to communicating is the healthy, non-abusive tactic. Flying off the handle continuously and blaming others is not acceptable. Or mature.

I have done abusive things. I have said things and behaved violently in the past myself. I openly admit this as I have years ago CHANGED this behavior forever and understand the repercussions such behavior has on others and, ultimately, me as well. I am ashamed that I behaved that way, ever once, let alone several times in my past. I'm not here to state I am an angel or without vices. I am here to say, no one is perfect, but there is a bold line between abuse and discord between two people. Abuse results in long term damage to the psyche and never has a resolution without the abuser's courage to address and admit FULL culpability. No one makes you hit them. No one makes you say cruel things. No one makes you lie. No one makes you cheat. We are each, individuals responsible for our own words and behaviors and if there is a chemical imbalance that causes one to lack control or cognizance of their actions, it is STILL up to that person to CONSIDER such a thing and seek treatment immediately. If a schizophrenic can take medication responsibly, anyone can. Narcissists' main obstacle is their innate inability to recognize ANYTHING is wrong with THEIR BEHAVIOR.

If someone you love that loves you is telling you that you are repeatedly battering their emotional existence, it is worth the investigation into real, psychological help. That does not mean remaining defiant that the victim somehow shares blame. Take responsibility for yourself REGARDLESS of the other person and you will often find, therein lies the solution to wiping out the conflict at hand. Abuse is not something to be be dealt with in couple's therapy, I learned, because that implies shared responsibility. The point of couples' therapy is to address the future by endeavoring better communication in the present. It's impossible to communicate with someone who abuses you if you allow him to convince you that you are at all to blame. Abusers would like to think that if only their spouse/partner didn't do "----" than they would not be tempted to do "---". No. The minute you DECIDE to cross the line by degrading and threatening and hurting someone, you are responsible. Nothing else matters.

Can you truly love someone that hurts you so deeply? I think so. I think the existence of compassion is the proof of unconditional love. But there needs to be conditions with boundaries, not love. Boundaries include never permitting anyone to convince you that you do not deserve respect or physical or emotional safety. It is your RIGHT to feel safe and respected. Abusers are not shadowy figures that creep out from nightmares. Sometimes, they are gentle-faced, gregarious, intelligent and family-oriented people. If I had a dollar for every person that ever said to me "Really? He did that? But he looks so normal", I would have almost 70 bucks. ;D Abuse is insidious by nature. And I can personally assure you that loving a man who rapidly swings back and forth from the polarity of adoration to dehumanization in terms of his belief system of me, has been the most lonely, nerve-wrecking and soul-crushing experience of my entire life. Do I still have a glimmer of hope that he can be treated? Of course. I would be a liar if I said no. Do I think that he will ever fully admit to himself, or his family and friends and co-workers what he has actually done to me (and his ex wife)? No. He has told me he thinks as long as he admits it to me, it should be enough.

But that is the abuser's way. They retract their vows and deny their abuse so nothing they say or do has any real currency until they step forward to acknowledge the truth. You carry their secrets like a heavy vault dumped into the bottom of the ocean. People will side with his snide jeers and off-hand comments about his crazy-ex and you, weighted down with the memories and the shame and the scars of his words, actions and hands, are violated again and again and again in that way.

And while family members and even my abuser like to think my openness about this subject is inappropriate; I respectfully disagree. I'm not crazy. I'm not vindictive. I'm not looking for attention or sympathy. I am reclaiming my voice and my empowerment of self-sufficiency and esteem. I wanted very much to believe things could work out with him this time, but I always secretly knew he is incapable of change-- at least without psychiatric assistance. I do not love him any less, strangely. And I do not even regret going back to him because I do love him so much and did have such incredible happiness with him before the attacks crept back. I guess I am just choosing to show him I deserve better instead of telling him this. The best way to do this is to treat myself with the respect he has failed to give me, and get away from his abusive cycle. It is not as easy as you might think. Our need to believe the best in others can be a very dangerous quality when it starts to impair your judgment. He deserves love, like anyone else. And I don't think I will ever turn my back on him. Ever. And I will always hold out hope that he recognizes the issue lies inside him and only he can unlock the door to change and genuine happiness. I still think maybe if he gets medicated things could improve. But it's a long shot. And the fear I have of him is real and protective... unfortunately, it may never go away though. He hurt me, but I am still here. So far. He has threatened to kill me once again, but I am taking steps towards safety.

Thanks for reading this; feel free to share it with anyone you think it might help.

Again, please read this link by Divine Caroline. It is very informative.

"Letters from the Earth" Remind Us to Listen to Our Hearts

Recently, I re-read Mark Twain's "Letters from the Earth", and found amusement in the creative approach the truly agnostic if not atheist writer delivered his ironic observations of the human condition.    In one chapter of letters, titled "Satan's Letter", the devil, in sheer bafflement, tells of his experiences on earth, and the "strange, interesting, astonishing, grotesque" ways of human's thinking.  He hysterically rattles off all the things that man "believes in" when it comes to heaven, and they are things that we actually have no "interest" in, yet, somehow, we've convinced ourselves, it will be enjoyable once in heaven.  This includes his humorous statistics of the number of people that go to church and the number who actually enjoy being there as well as the number of men who actually love to sing all day, versus their belief that heaven consists of exactly that, and their insisting it is what they want in their after life... just not now.  He informs that "all nations look down upon all other nations", but insist in heaven, they will all hold hands; "all men and women love copulation, but in their heaven, it is replaced with prayer"-- the thing, the devil reminds us in his letter, that they often downright begrudge actually doing.  And so on. In other words, all that is valued is strangely left out of this perfect heaven and all that is boring and dreadful for us to endure is the very essence of the heaven that people claim to want to go to for eternity.

This book is filled with witty descriptions of the psychology of the human race.  Satan's Letter by Mark Twain reminds me, however, that the mind is full of contradictions and the heart is full of only sincerity.       When I think about things I have allowed myself to be convinced of, I also distinctly remember the division between my heart and my thoughts in every unhappy situation.  The heart knows when our mouths have said something demeaning to another person.  The mind will question if someone is two-timing us.  The heart will know. We know when someone is hurting us because we have feelings that react internally, despite what we've trained our minds and mouths to think and say.  And so often, people can say they are married but they feel utterly alone.  The things that have come to define us-- legal documents, memberships to clubs (or parishes)... are often not in-line with the things we actually feel or want.  People want to feel validated.  Society has come up with what "validation" consists of.  The societal pressures to conform allow us to foolishly do so when the independent voice and HEART of the matters we contend with have been swallowed into a place to be left ignored or dismissed.  The term "follow your heart" is good advice; it means rely on your intuition because "the mind plays tricks" on us at times.  And isn't it interesting the heart tends to have more reason than the learned vices of the mind?  Emotion and conscience don't always imply a lack of reason-- and rationalizations are not always free of emotional input... But the heart of a person is where the character and the intangible cosmic empaths reside.  The mind can be swayed, the heart thinks on it's own pulsations.

I think if Mark Twain's Satan were to write another letter today, he would likely delight in the Pro-Lifers who also believe in the Death Penalty and the P.E.T.A advocates who go to Sea World and have down comforters, leather belts and wool sweaters.  I think he would revel in the hypocrisy of upholding the Constitution by banning background checks but ignore the Civil Rights Act by forbidding same-sex marriage.  And I think he would point out the number of murdered wives by men who vowed to love, cherish and honor them for life (or until they decided not to and kill them).

Love is a verb, not a noun.  It is action through words and through silence... Through affection and through temperance.  Love is the ability to feel your emotions, owns your thoughts and express your interest in finding resolution through peace and gentility.  Love is not an engagement ring or bouquet of expensive exotic flowers.  Love is not fanfare.  Love is what exists when everything else dissolves.  When the mortgage cannot be paid, and the body fails to be resilient, thin or "new", love is holding onto that body and that person inside that body and feeling gratitude for having that moment together-- that life together.  It never ceases to amaze me the pressure some people still feel, in this day and age, to get married.  I recently asked a friend who is desperate to "find a man and get married", if she had to choose between being where she is now (healthy, single, gainfully employed in a career she loves with a plethora of friends and family that adore her) OR meeting a gorgeous, wealthy man that marries her and then, a few years down the road, mistreats her for the rest of their marriage, which would she choose. Without a pause, she replied "That's a hard one.  At least I wouldn't be alone".  And it was then and there that I saw who she was.  She believed that she wouldn't be alone if she had the title wife and mother.  What she will never understand, apparently, is that loneliness can't be cured with a wedding vow.  Her need to get this "thing", this... marriage, is not coming from a rational place, it's coming from a societal pressure and therefore a mind game that she is torturing herself with.  Everyone wants to be loved, but many of us try to label anything that resembles a relationship as love.  Love, is a noun in that case, not a verb.  I have found, true love dissolves the need for labels.  Satan's Letter might laugh at the money spent on weddings versus the money saved for... adoption...  And the subsequent divorces for 58% of those wedded?: even more expensive!  No one said she had to be married to experience love.  She fabricated that rule.

I loved a man very much but the day I decided to love myself, was the day I understood the true value of love-- if he could say he loved me, but my heart could only feel the pain of what he continually did to me, loneliness was the result of my staying with someone who said one thing but did another.  Like Satan's Letter reminds us: words are cheap, actions can be misleading, but, essentially, the heart of a person will always be sincere in telling the truth, even if it isn't what we want to hear.  I think we should start talking from the heart and the words will be truer and this earthly life will be simpler.